BEYOND SELF-OBSESSION: A NEW WAY TO SEE YOURSELF

We are living through health crisis. No one wants to be anxious or depressed, yet if you look at the statistics, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we do. Why are so many of us struggling? How is it that our pursuit of happiness so often leads us further into misery? This paradox lies at the heart of the human condition. The problem isn’t that we aren’t trying hard enough to be happy. It is that we’re searching in the wrong place. And why? Because of a fundamental misunderstanding of who we really are. Simply put, we’ve mistaken ourselves for someone we’re not.

The Trap of Self- Obsession

Before you protest, let me clarify. I’m not calling you egotistical! Self- obsession isn’t arrogance. It’s a literal (and exhausting!) preoccupation with our selves. Unlike other animal species, we don’t just think—we’re aware that we’re thinking. This self-awareness is an extraordinary gift but one that comes with a hidden cost. To make sense of our experiences, the mind constructs a narrative identity. We don’t just have thoughts; we assume we are the thinker. We don’t just have a name, personality, or life story; we become deeply invested in this constructed sense of self.

A Wave Called Tom

magine a wave, let’s call it Tom. Imagine he was born from the ocean’s depths and rose to the water’s surface alongside other waves. As Tom travelled across the sea, he’d look behind at where he had been and ahead at where he was going. All around him were other waves of varying shapes and sizes, all moving in a similar direction. When Tom looked at other waves, he sometimes felt jealous of characteristics he didn’t see in himself. If only he was taller or moved with the same grace and elegance.

Sometimes he encountered pieces of driftwood and other items carried in the current. He held onto them for as long as he could before they slipped from his embrace into the grateful arms of other waves. As he watched these treasured items slowly disappear into the vastness of the ocean, he felt a sense of loss. He wished he was strong enough to keep hold of things he valued.

When Tom looked ahead, he often felt afraid. He saw waves crashing on a distant shoreline and feared what would happen to him once he reached the shallow water. When the sky darkened overhead he worried about storms and how he’d cope if the weather turned.

As Tom travelled across the ocean, he often felt alone. A small wave lost in a sea of millions of others. He didn’t understand why he was there or what any of it meant. He just knew that he was vulnerable to the tides and where the current and prevailing winds would take him. Often, the ocean didn’t feel like home. Sometimes he wished he was never a wave at all

The Wave is Free

How did you feel as you read the wave’s story? Did it evoke feelings of sympathy toward the wave? Did you feel frustrated because his suffering seemed unnecessary? Maybe it felt like you were reading about your life. After all, this wave’s journey is in many ways similar to our own and I didn’t name it Tom by chance! This metaphor encapsulates the human condition and the challenges we encounter. When we listen to the wave’s struggles, his pain seems reasonable. Of course he would feel afraid in such circumstances.

If you could speak this wave’s language, perhaps you would try to make him feel better. You may begin by telling him that you understand what he’s going through and why he feels how he does. This would make him feel less alone. You may then tell him not to worry because the fate of any wave is the same and thinking about it will make no difference. However, this may make the wave feel even more despair at the hopelessness of his situation. As we all facebook.com/off

Know, there are few things less helpful than someone telling us “Not to worry” or saying that there are “Plenty more pieces of driftwood in the sea”! Even telling him that he is beautiful the way he is will be unlikely to change how he sees himself compared to others.

But there is one piece of advice that may change the wave’s experience entirely. A single simple solution that will resolve this wave’s difficulties.

“Remember, you are water.”

The wave suffers because it sees itself as separate from the ocean. It forgets that it is itself the ocean. The wave and the ocean are two forms of the same thing. We do not think of a wave as being born because we know the water was there all along. Similarly when a wave breaks on the shoreline we do not describe it as dying. We know the water simply returns to the sea in a different form. There is no separation between one wave and another. All waves are the 88 ocean.

Each wave is empty of independent existence. Each wave is connected to every other wave through the water it is made of. Each wave is impermanent as its causes and conditions are in constant flux. Once we look past the false separation between a wave and the sea, we’ll see that the true nature of things is beyond duality, beyond notions of birth and death, good and bad, right and wrong. It does not matter how tall a wave is or what driftwood falls in its path. Nor does it matter what distance it travels or what shoreline it reaches. A wave is just a wave, water is just water.

Escaping Self- Obsession

To be free, we must recognise that our suffering arises from a case of mistaken identity. Like the wave that believes itself separate from the ocean, we suffer because we believe that we are separate from everything else.

This illusion creates a profound split between us and the world, leaving us vulnerable to what Buddhists call the three poisons: greed, hatred and delusion.This illusion creates a profound split between us and the world, leaving us vulnerable to what Buddhists call the three poisons: greed, hatred and delusion.

• Greed compels us to cling to possessions, relationships and achievements.
• Hatred emerges from our dualistic mindset, where we see others as threats or obstacles, reinforcing the belief that we must compete to have our needs met.
• Delusion deepens our suffering by making us believe we are isolated individuals, disconnected from the greater whole.

But there is a way out. Self-obsession is not an unchangeable state. When we shift our perspective and loosen our grip on the rigid idea of self, we begin to experience something deeper—a truth that has been there all along.

The most effective way to dissolve this illusion is through an integrated approach that blends the ancient wisdom of Eastern spirituality with insights from Western psychology and psychotherapy. By embracing both, we can move beyond the illusion of separateness and rediscover a more expansive, connected way of being. This transformation happens in stages. First, we must learn to see ourselves in a more neutral or even positive light. Without a healthy self-perception, any attempt to let go of our attachments, including our attachment to self, will be met with resistance. Once we develop a stable sense of self-worth, we can begin loosening our grip on the things we most identify with, including our own self-concept. Only then can we move toward true freedom.

The Three-Step Path to Freedom

1.Improving Self- Perception

To see ourselves more positively, we can use Western therapeutic approaches, particularly those that foster self-compassion and self- acceptance. Drawing from person- centred psychotherapy and the seminal work of Carl Rogers, these strategies help bridge the gap between who we are and who we aspire to be. By addressing this disparity, we can improve self-perception and start to disrupt the self-obsession machinery. However, self-perception is also influenced indirectly by unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaviours. facebook.com/official.yogamag By changing how we think and act, we can further undermine self-obsession. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) offers practical techniques to facilitate these changes.

2.Letting Go of Attachments

Once we develop a healthier self- view, we can begin to release the attachments that keep us trapped, namely, our self-obsessed clinging to “self-elements” such as our relationships, careers and beliefs. By deeply understanding the philosophical truths of interdependence, impermanence and emptiness, we can approach life with greater flexibility and equanimity. Practices like meditation, self-inquiry, and philosophical reflection move us from intellectual understanding to direct experience, deepening our awareness of reality beyond the self. This allows us to enjoy the aspects of our lives that we value most without over-identifying with things beyond our control and subject to change.

3.Returning to Our True Nature

As we let go of what we are not, we naturally return to what we are. Imagine a bird that has lived its whole life in a cage, believing the bars are its boundaries and mistaking the cage for home. Over time, it forgets the sky. But one day, the door swings open. At first, the bird hesitates—after all, the cage is familiar, and the world outside s unknown. But like that bird, we,too, have lived in a cage. It’s a cage of self-obsession. We have clung to our roles, stories, and attachments as if they define us, forgetting that our true nature is boundless. Taoist wisdom teaches us to flow with life rather than resist it, embracing simplicity, moderation and non-striving. By aligning with our true nature, we move beyond the struggle of “having” an identity and instead find new freedom in the vast, open sky of simply being.

Dr. Tom Davies, author of Self Obsession: How Our Need for Identity Threatens Our Wellbeing, studied Biology at Warwick and trained as a doctor at King’s College London. With experience in General Practice, Psychiatry, and now as a therapist, he brings a compassionate, personal approach to his work. For over a decade, he has explored psychology, philosophy, and Eastern spiritual traditions, drawing on these insights, his mental health work, and long-distance hikes across Europe