As I begin to embrace this chapter of life – let’s call it middle age – I find myself reflecting often on my past, especially the 20-year-old version of me. That younger me was not happy. She was confused, uncomfortable in her own skin and, at her core, riddled with shame and guilt. These emotions were her baseline, though she had no idea that was the place she was living from. Family patterns, inherited and unspoken, shaped her every response.
Looking back now, I feel gratitude for the lessons and wisdom I’ve gathered. This is the medicine I draw on to help others in their healing journeys. But it has taken time, courage and a willingness to confront what I once tried to bury. At the heart of this has been learning how to cultivate a softer, kinder, and more compassionate relationship with myself – the foundation I now help others to build.
Growing Up in Silence
My family set-up was challenging: a strict father and a mother juggling the demands of life as an immigrant. As the youngest of five children, I often felt unseen and unheard while my older siblings built lives of their own. The weight of Indian and Catholic values left me in conflict with myself, torn between cultural expectations and the quiet voice of my inner world. Despite the ache, something inside me always whispered that there must be more to life.
That desire for change drove me to search for something that could ease the heaviness.
At the time, I was working as a beauty therapist. Serendipity brought clients who spoke about the power of Reiki. Their stories planted a seed, and soon after, a Reiki healer came into my salon. She spoke with warmth and conviction about the energy of healing. I recognised the sign and decided to try it for myself.
The First Doorway
My first Reiki session was unlike anything I’d known. The energy was kind, steady –a calm, grounding presence. I felt safe, and for the first time, truly seen. Tears came, not from sadness, but from relief – from the deep sense that I no longer had to carry what had never been mine.
That session marked the beginning of my unravelling. Reiki became a doorway not to perfection, but to presence. It taught me the power of forgiveness, gentleness and self- compassion. It showed me that healing starts exactly where you are, with a willingness to nurture kindness towards yourself.
For those unfamiliar, Reiki is a Japanese healing technique. (Rei) meaning “spiritual” or “universal,” (Ki) meaning “life force energy.” It is channelled by a Reiki practitioner or a Reiki Master through their hands,
either on or just above the body.
It isn’t dramatic or forceful. Instead, it is subtle, but profound and deeply calming. What struck me most was how something so gentle could open something so heavy. Shame had felt like armour around my heart
yet Reiki created a space safe enough for that armour to begin to melt. Over the years, I have seen this same gentleness work with my own clients. People arrive weighed down by unspoken burdens – and leave feeling lighter, softer, more connected to themselves. It doesn’t erase the challenges of life, but it creates space for clarity, compassion and choice.
Shame in Everyday Life
Through this work, I came to see how deeply shame weaves itself into so many aspects of life – families, workplaces, relationships, religion
and culture. Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. My own life held many examples: when I told my parents I was pregnant without being married, their disappointment and anger echoed the unspoken message: you are a bad daughter; you have let the family, religion and culture down.
At the same time, I was seeing the truth of my relationship with my child’s father, which was unravelling in painful ways. Shame was everywhere, speaking loudly, and I could no longer ignore it.
Healing shame is not comfortable. It’s messy, raw and confronting. For me, it meant facing the voice inside that told me I was unworthy, undeserving and fundamentally flawed. That narrative was familiar, almost comforting in its predictability – but I knew if I didn’t reach its roots, it would continue to control me.
Perhaps you’ve felt something similar – the quiet butpersistent voice telling you
that you are not enough. Shame wears many disguises, but it often repeats the same lie. The first step in loosening its grip is recognising that it isn’t the truth of who you are.
Working through those layers was painful, but necessary. Over time, I began to see shifts: in my beliefs, my self-esteem, my relationships with myself and others. Slowly, the freedom returned – the joy of knowing that I am worthy, deserving and lovable, exactly as I am.
Meeting My Inner Child
A turning point in my healing was discovering the voice of my inner child. She carried much of the family shame that had been passed down through generations. At first, the shame felt heavy and immovable – like being stuck in mud with no way forward.
When I connected with her, anger and
rage poured out. Why me? Why is this my burden to carry? It felt unjust, unbearable. For a long time, I
Speaking about shame felt disloyal, as though I was breaking the family code of silence. I felt vulnerable and guilty sharing my truth with healers, therapists and shamans. But as I peeled back the layers, I discovered what lay beneath: grief and sadness that had long been hidden.
Healing asked me to be patient. With each layer I released, my inner child began to feel seen and soothed. I learnt that shame is not permanent; it can be softened, unravelled and eventually transformed. Cultivating compassion for that younger part of me was the beginning of learning how to live with kindness towards myself in the present.
If you are carrying shame, connecting
with your inner child can be a
profound step. She may hold emotions you’ve long suppressed, but meeting her with compassion – rather than judgement – begins the process of release.
The Ripple Effect
Shame doesn’t just affect the individual – it ripples out, locking whole families into silence. Secrets passed down through generations become prisons, keeping pain alive as generational trauma.
When I chose to begin healing my shame, I began breaking this cycle. I still remember the relief when a professional told me I was not alone – that many people carry family shame. That validation shone like a light into my darkness. It gave me the strength to keep going, to keep peeling back the layers.
Left unspoken, shame festers and isolates. When we walk with it alone, we spiral into despair. Reaching out for help is what interrupts the cycle. Support is what transforms despair into healing.
In my own family, I have seen the ripple of healing begin to travel outward. As I softened towards myself, relationships shifted. Compassion for myself created space for compassion towards others. What once felt locked has begun to loosen.
What Healing Has Given Me
Investing my energy into this work has been the best decision of my life.
It has freed me from unhealthy family cycles, generational trauma and the invisible burdens I carried for so long.
Through this journey, I have learnt that I am worthy, I belong, and my needs matter. I have discovered the importance of boundaries and how to honour them. I trust myself now. I no longer remain trapped in victimhood. I know I have the power to transform shame into empowerment.
Compassion has been my greatest teacher. It is the antidote to shame. Every day, I practise cultivating a softer, kinder relationship with myself – a stark contrast to the harsh inner critic of my younger years. And when I work with others, my focus is always on helping them to build the same compassionate relationship with themselves, because that is where all true healing begins.
This healing is not linear and it is not finished. It is a daily practice, a continual unfolding. But today I meet myself – and others – with more gentleness and presence than I once thought possible.
Coming Home
Shame once told me that I was broken, unworthy and beyond repair. But through Reiki, self-compassion and courage, I have learnt that shame can be released, layer by layer. It no longer defines me.
Healing has given me freedom, resilience and peace. It has shown me that the pain
I carried can be alchemised into medicine – not just for myself, but for the people I now support in their own journeys.
If you recognise yourself in any part of my story, know this: healing doesn’t ask us to be perfect. It doesn’t even ask us to be ready. It simply asks us to be willing.
As I walk through this chapter of my life, I do so with softness, gratitude and trust. I know now that every step towards compassion – for myself and for others – is a step home.
Maria Cooper-Gomes is an energy healer, facilitator, and space holder with over 25 years of experience. Known for her compassionate and intuitive approach, she draws on her own powerful healing journey to support others in creating lasting change. Her practice centres on healing, empowerment, and freedom, offering a unique blend of knowledge, wisdom, and empathy to guide transformational work.
Words: Maria Cooper-Gomes
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